The day after - lunch time

Awoke feeling like I said above. Good thing - Derek seems a bit brighter. Our friend Nick came; I managed to a bit of work and I'm enjoying what I'm writing on. Then Tracey came (she's the vicar) and a treasure. Really good to talk to her, she reminded me of the strength of the church family. I levelled with her about my fears - lack of family and friends rather dispersed. Looking forward to an afternoon with the dogs.

The news

Just heard yesterday that Derek has acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. It had apparently been building up for months - apparent to me in the fact that around New Year, he had ongoing infections (diarrhoea) and extreme listlessness. Then when I got back from Bradford, he had a severe headache and breathlessness.

So I realised that leukaemia was a possibility, and when we were told I felt quite calm. The shock set in when I was on a moonlit field with the dogs. Came back and spoke to Cathy, who was wonderful. Jan told me to be strong, but I was not last night - wanted to screem, curl up on the rug, and most worrying, I took a knife and tried to self harm.

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling panicky, took another sleeping pill and eventually went back to sleep. Woke in the morning feeling a) terrified and b) like I wanted to lie in bed all day. Derek says he worries about my inability to cope with any form of stress.